Mark: I'm so unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking Champagne?

Big Suze: This is quite a weird date Jeremy. It's even weirder than when you took me to Laser Quest and tried to hump me in the dark.

Jez: Mark, double date for tonight?
Mark: No. What's she like? Is she sexy?
Jez: Mark, beggars can't be choosers - she's an actual woman.

Jez: We might need to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes...
Mark: The Megatron? But... No!
Jez: It smells wrong. The Megatron doesn't say, "urban freewheelers". It says, "sofa masturbators".

Mark: I can't believe Jeremy left me to soak up the bad feeling like a hate sponge.

Jez: Chlamydia is symptomless? Then what's the biggie? I mean,no one cares if the invisible man comes to dinner.

Jez: [Tasting an expensive wine] Oh that is fantastic! This is wine, yeah. Obviously it's not really delicious like hot chocolate or coke but for wine, it's brilliant.

Jez: Paula's cool - she's cultural. We're going to see a play tonight.
Mark: A play?
Jez: I know but relax; it's all different now. They've moved on - they use proper actors. You know, Americans and people off the telly. And they're all based on films, so it's fine.

[Whispering during the play] Mark: If this was on television, no one would be watching.
Jez: Oh God! We could be watching television.
Mark: I can't believe coming here cost more than a film.
Jez: I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this when for less money we could be watching Robert De Niro and Al Pacino.
Mark: I'm going to pretend to be watching Heat.

Mark: The big date and she's late. Great, I'm getting pitying smiles. Still, got the phone. You're never alone with a phone. Why isn't she texting? That's what mobiles are for. So everyone can be linked and boost the GDP by telling each other. Maybe she's dead? Bereaved is better than stood up.

Jez: [To a burglar] So, what's going on for you, man?
Mark: Oh for God's sake, Jeremy, don't try to bond.
Jez: Did you run away from home? Are you a rent boy and everything?